I trust no one.
APPELLATE
Like everyone, I make mistakes sometimes. That’s why I added appellate work to my practice.
Now, whenever I make a mistake, I get to charge you double. This works out as a real win-win for me, and frankly, I wish I’d thought of it sooner. I also handle other people’s screw ups. Sure, 10% of appellate work deals with addressing broader policy implications and precedent involving novel and narrow issues of law, but I leave that work to the hoity-toity eggheads who screw up cases involving novel and narrow issues of law.
ARBITRATION
It’s just like litigation, only smaller.
BANKRUPTCY
This is where many of my clients end up anyway, so I figured I’d best learn this area, too. Now I’m a full service provider! I can take your case from complaint to trial, lose, then go through a bitter appellate process, and finally, guide your company through its inevitable bankruptcy. I’ve successfully reorganized three companies! Out of seventy-three bankruptcies, that ain’t half bad!
CORPORATE GOVERNANCE
According to the law, corporations are people. I like to think of them as giant people who have a bunch of tiny people inside of them running around and making them open sweatshops around the world for cheap goods. But what if the tiny people running the giant person’s arm didn’t want to whip the recalcitrant teenagers who refused to work for seventeen cents an hour in that Cambodian sweatshop? How could the corporation/giant person continue to function? Rest easy, American shopper; I’m here to make sure that the giant person gets those Juicy Couture trackpants to the mall on time.
I handle all sorts of corporate governance problems. From deadlocks, to proxy battles, to fiduciary “missteps,” to self-interested transactions involving the corporation’s purchase of your private yacht because it was the deal of a lifetime and totally benefited the corporation, you can count on me to make sure the tiny people keep the giant person running like a well-oiled…person.
DRONE LAW
My colleagues and I at Midsize Regional Law Firm, LLP relish our position as trailblazers in new and emerging fields of law. And we’re pretty sure that Drone Law is totally going to be one of those fields. We just don’t know what it means yet. Yes, we know there are a bunch of loose FAA and NTSB regulations that may regulate drones, and a hodgepodge of state laws addressing them, but we’re pretty sure there will be other, bigger issues, and we call dibs. We don’t necessarily know what we’re calling dibs on, but we’re calling them, and we are diligently researching all the angles. So, if you have a drone that gets caught in a tree, or is blocking air traffic, or that becomes sentient and is requesting legal US citizenship status, we’d like to be your first call.
ENTERTAINMENT
I have no idea what terms like “holding language,” “profit participation,” “negative pickup,” “distribution fee” or “inclusion rider” mean, but one time I represented one of Megalopolis’ own local celebrities (hint: you can see him “talking about the weather” every evening on Channel 5) in a dispute he had with a neighbor over the property line at his house (it’s in Megalopolis Hills, FYI). Now you tell me, is that entertainment law, or is that entertainment law?
LABOR & EMPLOYMENT
In this era of political correctness and “me too,” it can be hard to sexually harass your employees, or to even barrage them with familiar racial epithets. I have found that my patented technique of “using the same derogatory terms you use at the workplace to address the jury/arbitrator” is an effective litigation tool that totally allows them to adjust to the hostile workplace on your terms, and won’t shock or discomfort them at all. Let me help you turn your workplace back into your coercive dating pool.
PERSONAL INJURY
Plaintiffs. If they aren’t busy faking a broken neck, they’re off blabbing to some psychiatrist about the horror of that awesome wheelie you landed (on top of them) with your sweet eighteen-wheeler. Accidents happen. But some people just deserve it. Why was that family of four driving in front of your eighteen-wheeler on a public highway with their station wagon anyway?
Never fear: when I’m finished with your plaintiffs, the psychological carnage I inflict on them will make it feel like your semi rig landed on them twice (which, I guess it technically did, so maybe more like a third time). I bring victim-blaming to a higher art.
PREMISES LIABILITY
Did someone say slip and fall? Don’t worry – I love slip and fall cases! I also love it when people have inherently dangerous, attractive nuisances on their property. Lots of people say that you shouldn’t be allowed to have a fully-functioning moat on your property complete with live alligators, but I’m not one of them.
PRODUCTS LIABILITY
We’ve all been there before: you buy a new car, drive it off the lot, and then you realize that it’s lost more than half its value because the engine just burst into flames and melted half of your passengers. But some people don’t have the common decency to just accept that bad things happen and that not everything is some poor corporation’s fault. I mean, gasoline is supposed to combust – what exactly did they expect anyway?
I have your back. Whether it’s exploding cars or imploding jars, I am ready defend you for being a solid corporate citizen who makes things the way the stupid public expects them to be made.
SECURITIES LITIGATION
So you started a Ponzi scheme. It was all going great until that one investor wanted to see the “books and records” and find out “where his money went” or whatever, and then he had to call the SEC and ruin the party for everyone. I mean, c’mon! What’s the harm in a little make-believe business deal funded by 500,000 of your closest friends?
The Securities Acts of 1933, 1934 and 1940 are giant cockblocks to what would otherwise be lucrative but fictional financial schemes. I have experience fighting those regulations, along with Reg D, and Megalopolis’ rather flaccid securities laws, in front of FINRA, the SEC, and in Megalopolis’ state and federal courts. Those shares in that Indian teak plantation will be trading at $300 a pop again in no time!
TOXIC TORTS
I personally think the water could use more barium in it. It keeps you regular, and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason the pizza in Megalopolis is so good (it’s always the water!). But because the EPA and the Megalopolis Department of Environmental Protection disagree, I end up fighting a lot of these pesky lawsuits.
You provide a valuable service. Sometimes, that service requires the use of dangerous chemicals in highly-populated urban areas. You want that cheap gasoline, you have to make some sacrifices. Well, I’m here to fight the good fight for all of those who understand that smog and brown, possibly radioactive water are the price of freedom. After all, who’s to say that those 1,000,000 gallons of hydrochloric acid wouldn’t have ended up spilling next to that elementary school naturally anyway?
WHITE COLLAR CRIME DEFENSE
Let’s be honest with each other, shall we? Crime pays. A lot. But there’s no such thing as the perfect crime. And every so often, even the best-conceived insider trading system/ransomeware extortion scheme/drug cartel/human trafficking syndicate leaks its way over to local law enforcement. That’s when you need a tough defense that will stonewall, threaten and ultimately fold like a deck of cards and help you turn on all your friends and cop a major plea deal to avoid significant prison time. Because after you finish paying me, the rest of that money you buried in the desert is gonna last a lot longer wherever the Federal Witness Protection Program sends you.