• Home
  • Comics
  • Read My Graphic Novel!
  • About Me
  • Practice Areas
  • Glossary of Legal Terms
  • Contact Me
  • Home
  • Comics
  • Read My Graphic Novel!
  • About Me
  • Practice Areas
  • Glossary of Legal Terms
  • Contact Me

12(b)(6) = pronounced, “twellbezix,” rich person’s get out of jail free card

Associate = pack mule for abuse that also doubles as handy human shield

Bar = place to get my drink on

Billable Hour = the water that fills the Holy Grail; drink, and drink, and drink again from the Cup of Life, and be restored

Bonus = the reason for living

Civil Procedure = magic

Client = money farm

Collegiality = thing for other people

Constitution = vague document that supports me and me alone

Continuing Legal Education = traffic school for lawyers

Contract = never means what it says it does

Corporation = person

Counsel = asshole

Counselor = my [your] asshole

Criminal = everyone except me

Defendant = rich person

Discovery = this is going to be expensive

Evidence = stuff that can only be seen through a microscope

Hornbook = not the porn you thought it would be

Insurance = mysterious thing that pays for all of the legal bills in the known universe

Intellectual Property = Star Wars

IRAC = drinking method taught in law school

Judge = person in slimming robe who wants to murder me

Jurisdiction = thing to be laughed at derisively as you loudly snort that the court does not possess it over you

Jury = twelve people riveted by smartphones

Law = thing to be ignored

Law School = place to learn rules about different kinds of alcohol and how to apply them

Law Student = smart go-getter full of potential

Lawyer = slave for rich people; bottom-feeding, scumbag, busybody, peddler of human misery who loves drama so goddamned much he has to find rich people with problems and get all up in their business

Malpractice = thing to yell at others

Partner = master of everything he* surveys [*Note: women ineligible since 1620]

Plaintiff = faker

Property = thing that belongs to my client

Respect = zero sum game, as commodities such as dignity, tact and kindness are in finite supply, and dwindling rapidly

RICO = my neighbor who owns many exotic pets

Rule Against Perpetuities = thing that nobody understands, which so confounds us that to explain it, we must resort to the example of a fertile octogenarian, an unborn widow, and a magic gravel pit

Statute = no one listens to these, anyway

Student Loans = killer in hockey mask that will probably just go away if you ignore it

Tort = the result of anything fun, ever

Vacation = nonsense word, making no sense




© Copyright John Q. Lawyer 2025