Associate = pack mule for abuse that also doubles as handy human shield
Bar = place to get my drink on
Billable Hour = the water that fills the Holy Grail; drink, and drink, and drink again from the Cup of Life, and be restored
Bonus = the reason for living
Civil Procedure = magic
Client = money farm
Collegiality = thing for other people
Constitution = vague document that supports me and me alone
Continuing Legal Education = traffic school for lawyers
Contract = never means what it says it does
Corporation = person
Counsel = asshole
Counselor = my [your] asshole
Criminal = everyone except me
Defendant = rich person
Discovery = this is going to be expensive
Evidence = stuff that can only be seen through a microscope
Hornbook = not the porn you thought it would be
Insurance = mysterious thing that pays for all of the legal bills in the known universe
Intellectual Property = Star Wars
IRAC = drinking method taught in law school
Judge = person in slimming robe who wants to murder me
Jurisdiction = thing to be laughed at derisively as you loudly snort that the court does not possess it over you
Jury = twelve people riveted by smartphones
Law = thing to be ignored
Law School = place to learn rules about different kinds of alcohol and how to apply them
Law Student = smart go-getter full of potential
Lawyer = slave for rich people; bottom-feeding, scumbag, busybody, peddler of human misery who loves drama so goddamned much he has to find rich people with problems and get all up in their business
Malpractice = thing to yell at others
Partner = master of everything he* surveys [*Note: women ineligible since 1620]
Plaintiff = faker
Property = thing that belongs to my client
Respect = zero sum game, as commodities such as dignity, tact and kindness are in finite supply, and dwindling rapidly
RICO = my neighbor who owns many exotic pets
Rule Against Perpetuities = thing that nobody understands, which so confounds us that to explain it, we must resort to the example of a fertile octogenarian, an unborn widow, and a magic gravel pit
Statute = no one listens to these, anyway
Student Loans = killer in hockey mask that will probably just go away if you ignore it
Tort = the result of anything fun, ever
Vacation = nonsense word, making no sense
